6 Timely Simple Reasons Why Christmas Is Remarkably Disgusting

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mehrry christmas

Christmas. Or the day you’re granted a license to disappoint and be disappointed.

I’m sick of that Christmas spirit already. I’d like to debunk 6 of the myths around that so-called “special” day because enough is enough.

Scummy Santa Claus

Seriously, what’s up with Santa? He frightens me. He looks as if my neighborhood’s homeless man had broken into my house. I don’t like that. I enjoy much more Krampus, his German counterpart. At least, you know what to expect.

krampus
That explains a lot about Germans.

Shitty gifts

You give them. You receive them. Let’s be honest with ourselves and cut the B.S. No Christmas gift is worth being given to anyone. After all those years, I could open a t-shirt and candle store anytime. Interested? Shoot me an email.

Indigestion

You know it. Once again you’re gonna stuff yourself with food beyond what your body can handle. Every year, same freaking mistake. I heard it’s called stupidity when you do the same thing over and over and expect different results. Guess I’m sooooooo dumb – it’s sad.

Family dinner

Let’s be real, did you really miss that uncle who used to give you weird looks when you started growing boobs at 13? Your grandmother doesn’t remember you anymore, she calls you Joey. Joey’s the dog’s name. Joey’s dead. Sad, again.

That poor tree

Nowadays, we’re forced to turn into green activists, otherwise at risk of social quarantine. So you recycle. That’s great. So how come you don’t care about murdering that tree? That tree had a family. That tree had a job. To make you breathe. That’s a genocide at everyone’s sight. And no one gives a shit. #alltreesmatter

christmas tree
This is my mother’s tree. It looks like she hired a serial killer for the decoration. It scares the shit out of me every year. 

The date – really?

If it were supposed to be a happy holiday, they would have planned it in the summer. Jesus, what’s up with that? You think people want to go shopping in the middle of the winter? That’s probably why gifts suck all together: I’ll just buy everything at the first store around the corner, be it a Chanel store or a dogs’ used leashes flea market.

Also, it’s way to close to NYE. That’s not spreading the fun wisely. And if you’re unfortunate enough to be born in the same week, you had a rough childhood. Sorry about that.


That said if you want to make my Christmas a little bit better, feel free to clap, share and follow. That’ll be your only free gift you’ll be given the opportunity to make. And that, my friends, is my gift to you. Meh -rry Christmas. Happy Enough-kah.


Also published on Medium.

About the author

Gary Paris

Hey, I'm Gary Paris. Yeah, yeah, like the city. In Texas. I'm a French comedian doing a bunch of stuff in NYC. Like standup, writing, or even acting. Discover all my little secrets here and check me out on Instagram.

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