The Solution For Homelessness. Yup.

Isn’t it weird that some people seem to care more about dogs than humans? And isn’t it even weirder that those people seem to all be living in NYC? 
Two facts struck me in the city.

1. People care way too much about dogs

New Yorkers love their canine pets. They dress them in coats that look better than mine. Their weekly groomer is more skilled than my quarterly hairdresser. They pick up after them, day and night, 105°F or 5°F. I feel like an inferior race here. To pet lovers, a dog’s always a good boy, even if they don’t know it. Come on, what if it’s not? You’ve never met the damn animal, what if it’s the meanest boy of all? What if other dogs call it Maddog Hussein? You assumed it was a good dog because it looked at you in a city where no one does. Sad.

2. There are so many homeless in the city

I know every big city has its share of poverty, but NYC is pretty well served. No matter who you are, the normal state of anyone living in the City is right above the poverty line. No one’s rich in NYC, people are simply surviving. 
Which makes the NYC homeless even more miserable than any ordinary homeless. They are hunched up in the street and yell at people. They beg in front of Starbucks while listening to Jennifer bitching about her last date. That’s why she needed that mocha-almond-milk-ginger-latte in the first place. By the way, Jenn might be wealthier than this homeless, but she’s not that much richer. She shares a two-bedroom apartment with five roommates. It’s conveniently located in an “up-and-coming Brooklyn neighboorhood” as she likes to put it. But to Manhattan people, Boston seems closer.
To clarify, I don’t judge you if homeless repel you. I’m myself guilty as well. But to set things straight, it has nothing to do with their lack of homes. It’s more because they’re people. Home or no home, I tend to prefer my living room’s fake palm tree leave over you. Come on, you’d understand me if you saw it. It looks really cool. But preferring a dog over a human, that, I don’t understand.
So why all this?
Because I came up with a plan to end homelessness all at once.
Take a seat. You’re about to be blown away.

The ultimate solution to end homelessness for good

I want to equip all the homeless with cute puppy ear headbands.
It’s a surefire way to get New Yorkers to take care of them!
Sara: “Oh, that’s such a good boy! Here’s a treat.”
Homeless Rob: “Huuuugh sure, can I sponge a buck off you instead?”
Homeless peeing = disgust
Homeless peeing with dog ear headband = cuteness overload
You’ll even be able to adopt a homeless person. There will be trucks for rescue humans all over town. 
Jimmy: “Oh my God, look at this one. So cuuuuuute. Mommy, mommy, can we take it home?”
Mom: “Alright honey… But you’ll have to take care of it, ok? You’ll take it out to poop?”
Homeless Rob: “Huh you don’t need to do that.”
Mom: “Wow I love it already.”
That’s it. The end of homelessness. You’re welcome.
PS: while you’re waiting for this grand idea to happen, you can donate here. Old school, I know, but yet pretty efficient.

About the author

Gary Paris

Hey, I'm Gary Paris. Yeah, yeah, like the city. In Texas. I'm a French comedian doing a bunch of stuff in NYC. Like standup, writing, or even acting. Discover all my little secrets here and check me out on Instagram.

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