Getting things done.
The mantra of the modern age. It used to be: don’t be killed by a mammoth. Damn, time flies. The simple times are long gone.
But how do we get things done? There are multiple tools, tricks, self-help books, Medium authors (your best choice, obviously), and other resources out there instructing us on this subject. The list goes on and on. However, the simple fact that you clicked – again – on this kind of article shows that you’re still not fully satisfied with the existing methods. Something’s missing. Something’s off. Much like that weird look your gym teacher used to give you when you were playing dodgeball in 7th grade (that was my experience, at least)…something’s not right, but you can’t really pinpoint it.
Anyways, I’m here to solve that issue for you. Let me introduce you to:
Gary’s ultimate guide to getting things done
Behold, my exclusive method to:
- get more productive
- reach any goal you set your mind to
- be happy
- find love
- get rich
- be fulfilled
- change the world
- grow muscles
- lose fat
- get beautiful, glowing skin
- find the Holy Grail—yes, the real one.
The best tools ever to get anything done – from building a spaceship to opening that stubborn pickle jar
Start on Trello. Open a new board called “The mess of my life (How on Earth did I get here?)”. Create 16 lists:
- I need to get this done
- I really need to get this done
- I really, really need to get this done
- I… (add a “really” for each new list)
Then open a new project on Basecamp, connect the notifications to Slack, and install Boomerang for Gmail. Don’t forget to link it all to Dropbox. Reboot your computer. Easy, right? You’re all set! That will be $9.99. Really, it will. Contact me for payment options.
Now, that we’re ready, it’s time for the moment you’ve all been waiting for… the routine! All of this needs to be done before 4 a.m.
- Wake up at 3:23 a.m. (I did the math, and it’s the perfect time for a productive day. Science, baby). I usually go to bed the day before around 3 pm to make it work. A solid 12-hour night is all you need to keep on with your day.
- Run a quick marathon: I always start the day with a light jog, or iron man competition if I have time. Running for 26 miles really primes your mind for the upcoming day. You forget about everything. Even your name.
- Eat around 500g of protein for breakfast. I usually have a whole Thanksgiving turkey. Preferably uncooked (higher creatine content). It’s great for your body: I’ve actually put on 20 pounds of muscle since starting this article…10 minutes ago. Steroids helped too.
- Meditate. I do so by lying down on my bed and closing my eyes. Then I focus on my breathing. I do this slowly, in and out, relaxing my entire body. I usually don’t remember much after that. When I open my eyes 3 hours later, however, I really feel refreshed, so I know I had a good Zen session. Namaste, baby.
- Be grateful. I always am. To myself that is. I owe a lot to myself.
- Don’t forget to plan your day the night before. I always plan the 3 most important things I have to do the next day: wake up, don’t get fired, and make it home safely. All very important things.
And finally a bunch of great tips
Oh, and as Bill Gates used to say, one more thing…
Don’t forget to actually do stuff. If you have a spare minute, that is.
As moderators here at The Mission frown upon the term “fat ass” (I’m French after all, nothing’s offensive to me), here’s my advice to you, dear reader:
Sit That Immense Fanny Down And Do It!
What do you think about that? Groundbreaking, isn’t it? I call it the:
S.T.I.F. D.A.D.I. Method ™.
I know it’s gross. But it’s memorable. And it works. And that’s all that matters. And that will be an additional $9.99, by the way.
Enough procrastinating. Enough technics. Just do the shit out of it. It’s nobody’s fault but yours. Slap yourself in the face and get shit done.
Why are you still here? GO DO SOMETHING!
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- Clap til your hands bleed 👏
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Also published on Medium.