Face ID is now a subtle way to insult you
When your finger couldn’t unlock your phone, you thought it was because of that bag of Doritos you emptied. But now, when Face ID doesn’t recognize you, it’s another way of saying: “is this a joke or your face looks like this today?” That’s painful. So I took the ugliest picture of me when setting it up. I stayed awake for four days in a row, while only feeding myself with Reese’s. This way, I make sure my iPhone knows what to expect after a few months into the relationship.
The selfie portrait mode is so good; if you’re still ugly on pictures you’re just a lost cause
Apple wants its customers to look as beautiful as their products. If that ain’t good-hearted, what is? Every single selfie of you looks now as if it was shot by Mario Testino himself. That brings up the dreaded question: what if you’re still ugly on this piece of art? What does it mean? How could it be? Well, sorry to break it down to you, but you’re a lost cause. If Apple can’t make you look good, no one can. Avoid any more suffering and get a Blackberry.
You start wondering why thumbs are still a thing
Siri, Face ID, button-less screen. So why on Earth have I been equipped with thumbs in the first place?
See, Apple engineers and designers don’t believe in thumbs. And I get it. Thumbs are from another age when we needed to climb trees to find food and shelter. Today, that’s called a credit card, and it works wonders.
Business idea: thumb removal clinic. People are going to want them off. We can even replace them with a charging plug for your phone. Kickstarter campaign on the way, stay tuned.
While you used to tolerate Samsung people, You’ll now be a blatant racist to anything else than an Apple owner
I’m serious. It all started with discomfort around those people. I knew deep in my heart they were different. But now, it feels like they don’t deserve to be here. They shouldn’t be allowed to make phone calls around Apple people. I don’t care if you’re iPhone is black or white, as long as it’s an iPhone.
You now have a phone that’s better looking than you
It’s so beautiful I’m falling for it. And that love is not reciprocal, I can tell. The design is so perfect and slick; sometimes I’m afraid my iPhone won’t be here anymore when I wake up. I’m always worried face ID might one day stop unlocking it for me, and will choose someone else instead. I know beauty is not all, but the iPhone has it all. I started seeing a therapist since I upgraded to iPhone X.
Also published on Medium.